Apathy

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For the past three weeks or so, I have felt the crushing embrace of apathy. Apathy towards my job, apathy towards my friends, apathy towards apathy. The thing that is scaring me is that I am embracing it right back. And I don’t care.

I (who am normally quite nice looking and well groomed) have shaved twice in the past three weeks and fixed my hair once. I haven’t been keeping my bed made. I left some clothes I washed in the dryer for four days before retrieving them; they are now sitting in a pile on my floor rather than hanging in my closet. And I don’t care.

I don’t do my best at work. In fact, rather than my normal taking pride in doing a great job, I am doing as little as I can get away with, sometimes less. When customers that I normally look forward to seeing walk in, I outwardly smile but inwardly shrug. And I don’t care.

I’m not getting enough sleep. I’m hardly eating, and what I do eat is rarely anything I want. I am doing an even worse job managing my finances than usual. And I don’t care.

I have uber-fast cable internet. I should be posting to my journal every day. I should be working at redesigning the site and tweaking the code for TextPattern. But I don’t care.

I’m not even trying to spend time with my friends. Rachel’s birthday was Monday; I almost didn’t call her. I have seen her once in the past week. And I don’t care.

I need to get out of this rut. I need to take care of myself. I need to tidy my room and keep it that way. I need to do the best job possible at work. I need to spend time with my friends and family.

If only I could bring myself to care.