Tag Archives: funny

understanding men

(via cereal[k]illah)

  1. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
  2. ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
  3. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
  4. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We refuse to answer.
  5. Don’t cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair.
  6. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you’re stuck with her.
  7. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
  8. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
  9. Sometimes, we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.
  10. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
  11. Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
  12. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we’re never going to think of it that way.
  13. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
  14. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.
  15. Crying is blackmail.
  16. Ask for what you want. Let’s be clear on this one:
    1. Subtle hints don’t work.
    2. Strong hints don’t work.
    3. Really obvious hints don’t work.
    4. Just say it!
  17. No, we don’t know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.
  18. Peeing standing up is more difficult. We’re bound to miss sometimes.
  19. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
  20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
  21. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do.
  22. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
  23. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
  24. Check your oil.
  25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. (No, it doesn’t matter which quiz.)
  26. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
  27. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
  28. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
  29. Let us ogle. We’re going to look anyway. It’s genetic.
  30. You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something, but not both.
  31. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
  32. If it itches, it will be scratched.
  33. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
  34. If we ask what’s wrong and you say “nothing”, we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you’re lying, but it’s just not worth the hassle.
  35. Don’t ask for our opinion unless you really want it. If you’ve already made up your mind, then just do it and leave us alone.
  36. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don’t mind that, it’s like camping!

Wow, two email virus posts in as many days! Whats wrong with me?

Muffins

So these two muffins are in the oven. The first one says, “Man, it sure is hot in here.” The second one looks and the first and says, “HOLY SHIT, A TALKING MUFFIN!

This is your brain on drugs

Friday night when I got to work there was a crazy lady outside. She had gotten there at four o’clock and was still there when I showed up at ten. She was skitzin’ or cracked out or something. She had been harassing the customers and employees the entire time, but everyone was too afraid of her to call the cops. I, of course, said “Fuck this, she ain’t stayin’ out here on my shift! She does one thing wrong and she’s gone.” Less than five minutes later she comes in, refills her coffee cup, and leaves. Normally, I don’t charge for refills; I think I have charged five times in the three months I have worked there, all because my manager was watching. But still, that 75 cent refill was enough for me. I called the cops right in front of her. Anyone else would have taken off, but she just stood there, watching me and giving me the finger.

Once I got off the phone she went outside. I was thinking that maybe she would leave, but instead she just stood out front, holding the door for customers and giving me the evil eye. I think she was trying to look harmless or something; I don’t understand the brains of crackheads. So this short pudgy officer shows up. He is talking to her, and she turns and walks to her car. He tells her “Oh, fuck no, you don’t walk away from me while I’m talking to you!” and pushes her up against her car. He has both arms pinned against her back, but every time he tries to reach for his cuffs she almost breaks free, so he has no choice but to hold her there until his backup arrives.

Ten minutes later, flashing lights show up. She starts screaming at the top of her lungs. Not saying anything, just making noise. Four more cars roll in, gangbuster style, and seven or eight cops run across the lot at her. It looks like something for a movie.

I go comb my hair in case channel five shows up. They don’t, but that’s okay.

They take her to the ground, double-cuff her (and shackle her legs) and put her in a car. She won’t talk. They have to dig through her car and pull out her registration to find out her name. They take her to jail and give her a criminal trespass warrant.

I have the most awesome job in the world.