understanding men

(via cereal[k]illah)

  1. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
  2. ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
  3. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
  4. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We refuse to answer.
  5. Don’t cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair.
  6. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you’re stuck with her.
  7. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
  8. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
  9. Sometimes, we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.
  10. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
  11. Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
  12. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we’re never going to think of it that way.
  13. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
  14. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.
  15. Crying is blackmail.
  16. Ask for what you want. Let’s be clear on this one:
    1. Subtle hints don’t work.
    2. Strong hints don’t work.
    3. Really obvious hints don’t work.
    4. Just say it!
  17. No, we don’t know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.
  18. Peeing standing up is more difficult. We’re bound to miss sometimes.
  19. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
  20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
  21. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do.
  22. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
  23. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
  24. Check your oil.
  25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. (No, it doesn’t matter which quiz.)
  26. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
  27. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
  28. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
  29. Let us ogle. We’re going to look anyway. It’s genetic.
  30. You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something, but not both.
  31. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
  32. If it itches, it will be scratched.
  33. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
  34. If we ask what’s wrong and you say “nothing”, we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you’re lying, but it’s just not worth the hassle.
  35. Don’t ask for our opinion unless you really want it. If you’ve already made up your mind, then just do it and leave us alone.
  36. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don’t mind that, it’s like camping!

Wow, two email virus posts in as many days! Whats wrong with me?

Muffins

So these two muffins are in the oven. The first one says, “Man, it sure is hot in here.” The second one looks and the first and says, “HOLY SHIT, A TALKING MUFFIN!

Fucker

Some guy came in to work last night and wanted to buy some beer. He looked 20ish so I asked to see some ID, which he didn’t have. I refused the sale because it’s my job.

He went outside, sat in his car for about five minutes, then comes back in with an “I’m gonna kick your ass” look. Asks, “You wanna come smoke a cigarette with me?”

“No, I don’t smoke,” I lie, “besides, I’ve got a line.” He lets out an irritated grunt and leaves, and goes to stew in his car again.

Ten minutes later, he comes back in, just walks up to the counter, and spits in my face.

“There, we’re even,” he says.

If I didn’t need my job I would have put his face through one of the windows, but I just stood there and took it. But when I told my manager about it she said that since that was assault on his part, if I had wanted to throw a couple of swings, she wouldn’t have fired me.

I hope he comes back.

Fucker.

Political Crossroads

I find myself at a political crossroads. I always vote Green Party, because they are the only party whose policies I (most closely to) fully agree with, and they are, in general, far less corrupt. I don’t want to vote for someone I know that I will hate having in office. But this election I am less sure about whether to follow that. Bush must not win this election; that much has been obvious ever since he wiped his ass with the Constitution (aka signed the Patriot Act into law) but if I vote for who I want to it is one less vote to put Kerry in the lead over Bush. I don’t care for Kerry. I don’t want him in office, but desperate times call for desperate measures, right? So should I vote for who I believe in, or follow the lead of every other American and just vote against the person I don’t want in office?