This is your brain on drugs

Friday night when I got to work there was a crazy lady outside. She had gotten there at four o’clock and was still there when I showed up at ten. She was skitzin’ or cracked out or something. She had been harassing the customers and employees the entire time, but everyone was too afraid of her to call the cops. I, of course, said “Fuck this, she ain’t stayin’ out here on my shift! She does one thing wrong and she’s gone.” Less than five minutes later she comes in, refills her coffee cup, and leaves. Normally, I don’t charge for refills; I think I have charged five times in the three months I have worked there, all because my manager was watching. But still, that 75 cent refill was enough for me. I called the cops right in front of her. Anyone else would have taken off, but she just stood there, watching me and giving me the finger.

Once I got off the phone she went outside. I was thinking that maybe she would leave, but instead she just stood out front, holding the door for customers and giving me the evil eye. I think she was trying to look harmless or something; I don’t understand the brains of crackheads. So this short pudgy officer shows up. He is talking to her, and she turns and walks to her car. He tells her “Oh, fuck no, you don’t walk away from me while I’m talking to you!” and pushes her up against her car. He has both arms pinned against her back, but every time he tries to reach for his cuffs she almost breaks free, so he has no choice but to hold her there until his backup arrives.

Ten minutes later, flashing lights show up. She starts screaming at the top of her lungs. Not saying anything, just making noise. Four more cars roll in, gangbuster style, and seven or eight cops run across the lot at her. It looks like something for a movie.

I go comb my hair in case channel five shows up. They don’t, but that’s okay.

They take her to the ground, double-cuff her (and shackle her legs) and put her in a car. She won’t talk. They have to dig through her car and pull out her registration to find out her name. They take her to jail and give her a criminal trespass warrant.

I have the most awesome job in the world.